My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
3 2 1 whiskey
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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