he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
