i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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