I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
