Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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