shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
