stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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