make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
