If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize