Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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