All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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