She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
