Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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