i would punch a child for taco bell
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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