so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
