Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I want a musical about memes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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