I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
