Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize