the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am naked and annoyed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
