I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
