I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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