I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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