New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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