The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize