The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
