Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She bit a glass in half.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
