Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize