Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
