Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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