We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
