Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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