so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
