Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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