I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
