During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize