dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
