It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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