the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize