You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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