sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
