If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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