if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
