I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
