I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
