What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am spending my child support on dildos
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
