Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
