He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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