you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
