We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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