Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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