There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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