I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
