May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
