woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
