she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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