I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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