i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
porn star boner night. come get it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
