that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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