So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize