false alarm. still invincible.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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