If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
