Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
