At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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