No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
